Childhoods -Resilience

 

The “other child”

In the African culture, it is normal for children to live with aunties, grandfathers, or elder siblings.  Some are born in extreme poverty, others are born many and parents allow them to live with relatives to reduce the burden of taking care of all of them.  Others would move in with relatives after losing their parents. In the African culture, it is very common to find the “other child” in most of the families.

Though the majority of the children live well there are some who go through challenges that are abusive but instead of running away or giving up, they turn the circumstances in their favor.  Am not in any way trying to say abuse is a good thing, these children work around the challenges to become responsible adults and probably we can learn something from them. Those of us who were lucky to live with our parents can only tell the stories of those whom we saw live with relatives.  Bringing up someone else’s child is not easy.  A child who lives in another home is easy to identify.  They become the “other” child in the family.  They are very distinct from the rest of the family.  Those who survive to adulthood have testimonies to give and what takes them through is resilience.

Though the memories may be painful, the other child has a reason to smile if they grabbed resilience. 
The kind of resilience am talking about here is one that gives you the inner strength to persevere in difficult circumstances and instead of being bitter and vindictive, you become a blessing in adulthood. My observation of such children includes the following narrations.

The early birds

The other child is always the first to wake up.  If there are cows to milk the other child will light a fire and prepare water for milking.  As the water is heating up, the other child would bring cows from their sleeping point to the milking shade and proceed to milk after placing a sufuria with water on the fire for the rest of the family members to bathe.  The other child would go ahead and make tea, and prepare the milk in a selling container which she or he will drop at the regular hotel that buys their milk or a common dropping point for collection and processing in the milk processing factory.  The other child would then proceed to school just like any other child.

Routine life

If there is lunch to be prepared the other child will be the first to come and the last to leave.  After school in the evening, the other child would drop their books, change their uniform so fast and pick jerricans to go and fetch water. This was a shared responsibility since the other children will help but the other child has extra work.  There was milking and supper preparations before sitting down to do homework.  The routine would repeat itself until the seasons change. 

When it is time to work on the shamba, be it in readiness for planting or weeding, the other child would work on their portion in the morning before they go to school.  Though everyone else was likely to be there parents are always lenient toward their own children.  If the family was selling local brew, the other child would serve as the brewer, the waiter, and the middleman while the lady of the house collects money.

There are times when the other child is given work beyond their ability.  They can be given a large portion of land to work on after all they are getting free food and lodging, they carry heavy loads of farm produce, fetch more water than the other children in the family or they tend to the animals while it is raining or care for the animals way past the age of going to school. They start school when they are much older. There are extreme cases of both physical and sexual abuse especially by the older children of the family in cases where the other child is a girl.

What hurts is that it is hard to help such a child with the kind of society we live in now where everyone minds their own business.  We all have enough on our plates to handle and would shy aware from adding more responsibilities.  Helping more cause more problems for both the child and whoever tries to help.  We do not have good alternatives for such children and attempting to help the child will end up back in the same family and the treatment may be worse.

I am not the other child but always ask myself, how did these children manage to get out very successful more than those who were happily living with their parents?  I see them today. We may say it’s God or Karma rewarding and punishing but the truth is I think these children learn adaptive skills which the other children in the family miss out on.

What keeps them going

1.    Resilience: they keep going despite the challenges.  Where they fall they quickly pick up their pieces and move on.

2.     Perseverance: they accept what is thrown to them with grace, never grumbling or complaining because they know where they come from and probably think of their circumstances back at home which may be worse.

3.    Positive thinking skills.  They turn what would normally be a frustrating situation into a Why not me and it is doable.  They learn to view everyone positively and take up the role of the older and mature one who has to be an example to the younger ones.

 4.      They see a loving parent or parents in the people they are living with.  They accept that these are parents and that whatever they say or do is for their own good. They consider it a favor to be accepted to sit even at the foot of the dining table.

5.    They learn to work with speed and accuracy.  They race against themselves within a schedule they have set for themselves to complete the responsibilities given while also attending to school requirements.

6.    The other child matures faster and starts thinking like an adult way before becoming one.  Their focus and thinking are above the rest therefore they achieve more than expected.

7.    They learn strong social skills that will give them a lavage in the future. They can live with anyone.

8.    They learn to control their emotions.  Instead of being bitter, they take everything to be normal.

These are some of the attributes I find in the other child.  Not all of them end up successful.  But those who do, they smile and thank God for what they went through.  Their investments always produce high yields. Despite everything is it right for these now adult children to appreciate the people who brought them up?  We know they are there and probably will always be there, how do we protect them? The child protection efforts are not reaching all children.  We need to scale up our efforts.

 

Childhood-The engaged parent

 

Parental engagement today is at Zero -Get Engaged!!!!!!!!

image courtesy of national cancer institute on Unsplash

Love is Security:

The love of a parent for a child is a basic need.  A child who is loved will be contented with being in their family.  When love lacks the child will not feel safe even when all other basic needs- shelter, education, health, and food are provided.  Love is security. Part of being a parent who is engaged in their child or children’s life involves giving them unconditional love.  The presence of material things like play items is not a substitute or an indication of love.  Engagement is being there when they need you, walking with them in their ups and downs, listening to them and attaching value to their feelings and their needs, showing them how to face challenges and solve their problems rather than running away or physically fighting, controlling their negative emotions and thinking through hostile situations before acting, choosing peace, giving love to all unconditionally, appreciating others the way they are, walking away from what can cause them harm or place them in harm among many other engagement opportunities that may be specific to your own child or children.  When you don’t have or are unable to provide for them for one reason or another let them know, they understand. Listen and learn from them.

Engagement opportunities:

Photo by Joice Kelly on Unsplash

Offering love is the best way to get engaged in a child’s life.  Love defines the boundaries of your relationship.  It will give the parent an opportunity to mentally have a framework on how best to be a parent to their child.  It informs the daily decision-making process of the parent.  The well-being of the child is among the prioritized responsibilities of a parent.  This will give the parent an opportunity to know when the child is going through difficulties and get involved where necessary or give them space to work out their problems.  An engaged parent will know when to come in and when to wait or how to give advice without meddling.   A child who has a good relationship with the parent will share their happiness and sadness because that is what their parent does. They also share their ups and downs.  Engagement opportunities come during meals times, the family eats together, walking or taking children to school and picking them which gives you an opportunity to have a conversation, have quality time together after meals in the evening, on weekends or holidays, pray together, going to church together, visiting relatives and friend, going out together to play or have a meal outside time, doing what they children like and any other opportunities depending on what your children prefer.

The engagement has gone to Zero

Parental engagement has never been scarce as it is today.  Careers and the need for financial advancement have taken most of the time meant for family engagements.  Parents are working hard to ensure their family is financially safe and secure.  Care of the children is left to house help and provision of all types of electronics.  When parents come home, they carry their work and prefer children to keep quiet and busy as they finish up what they must do.  Every need of the child that can be bought with money is left to the house help, the school calls the house help goes to represent the parents, visiting days the house help goes to visit, or this important opportunity is handled by someone else including uncles, aunts, grandparents because parents are busy building a safe and financially secure environment for everyone.  Eventually, financial security comes, and the children have gotten used to being left, they have their own rooms where they spend their time and come out for meals only.  Children start having behavioral problems and as a parent, you keep asking where you went wrong.  This is a generalized opinion it could be better or worse.  There is no blueprint for parenthood or childhood but, childhood positive or negative experiences matter.

Young people today are unable to control their emotions because they did not see that in their childhood. We keep wondering why are youths today eager to get rich so fast forgetting that this is what they saw us do when they were young.  We taught them that financial independence is the first thing you do.  We taught them that so long as the children have material things and someone to take care of them in our absence it is okay.  We should not, therefore, complain when they show very little remorse when we call them or need them in our old age, they will employ house helps, shamba boys and engage the best care nurses plus the best medical coverage.  To them, that is good care.

Photo by Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash

Let’s get engaged in our children’s lives from childhood and walk with them through the stages and when we release them to a world of their own, they will carry with them those good memories that they will share with their children and make us part of the beautiful story that their children look forward too.

 

Happy Children’s Month

 

Childhoods Memories

Childhood at its best!!!

Photo courtesy of Helen H Richard/Denver Post/Getty images

Growing up in the rural plains of remote villages in Africa is and was nostalgic.  There were no Televisions or modern phones where we could play games.  Life revolved around farm work, house chores, and playing along the village paths if you were not going to school.  In the morning we trekked long distances to get to school and coming back in the evening was the same though once in a while, we got out of school early which gave us time to play before parting ways to go to our individual homes.  School holidays were fun.  We would go to the rivers to fetch water and come back home after hours of playing with the water.  

Rain has Come!!!

From Wikimedia Commons, the free media repository 

Rainy seasons were extremely cold.  Trotting to school in the morning was a painful experience if you didn’t have school shoes.  Sometimes having shoes would not help because it was too wet and flooded that you will end up falling or having to wade through the waters to get to where you were going.  Falling was part of the fun.  Sometimes we would purposely slide downhill and fall along the way.  We bonded a lot in those moments.  Weekends would partly be spent in church and as well as working on the farm.  Going to church gave us an opportunity to wear the once-in-a-while clothing that was reserved for such special occasions. 

Time to help

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The farm working day would be a whole day’s ordeal that started early in the morning and ended past five in the evening.   The distance was sometimes too long five to ten kilometers away from home.  In the beginning, it is such an ordeal but with time, we got used to it and felt responsible to do what we were supposed to do without grumbling or complaining.  There was no lunch, and sometimes it would rain and we would work through the rain until the rain stopped.  No matter how tough the job was, no one was left behind.  Everyone would help until the job was done. After concluding the job there would always be a cup of cold sour porridge that cooled your throat and gave us the energy to walk back home. 

Home Again

Back home everyone would take part in chores.  While others were preparing the evening meal others will be washing dishes or bringing the animals for milking or back to their shed, others will be filling containers with water from the well.  When the meal was ready, which was majorly Ugali with sukuma or any other vegetables, we would all sit around the fire in the kitchen and eat while sharing experiences until everyone fell asleep and we retired to bed.

Its Holiday

Occasionally during the school holidays, we would receive visitors like aunties and uncles, or cousins for a week or so. Our grandmother stayed with us in her old age until she passed on.  These were memorable times too.  We would have time to hear from them what their experiences were when they were young.  Christmas was a shared moment.  People came over for a meal and we also went to friends' homes to celebrate.

Spread the Love

As we celebrate and create awareness about children this month, let's cherish the memories.  Let's remember our parents and relatives who made this possible.  Let's remember that there are some who would have loved to have this opportunity but they never hard.  If you are one of them kindly make it memorable for your own children or those that have been placed near you in one way or another

Children's Awareness Month

SHAKAHOLA , LET'S  BE ALERT

IN MEMORY OF THE SHAKAHOLA BABIES

 As we create Awareness of Children’s issues this month of June, my heart goes out to the children who lost their lives in Shakahola.

 Shakahola area in Malindi Kenya has hit the headlines for the wrong reasons. Over 100 people died for starving themselves to death due to what has been termed as religious cultism, the majority of the bodies being exhumed being children, who died because those whom they trusted chose to let them die. Why were these innocent children not protected from murder because that is what it is? For children to leave their homes and stay with someone other than their parents, there should be permission from the parents written or unwritten. How was it possible that children were leaving school, some traveling from as far as western Kenya, to come to a place they have never been, for what they were not sure of, regardless of whether they were safe or not, they still came. What were they following, the doctrine or the leader? 

What is a Cult?

 A cult is a small group of people led by a charismatic leader who has a lot of influence on the group. In the group, they are bound by common beliefs, practices, and rituals that other people in society will find abnormal. Among the reasons that pull people towards such leaders is that the followers have unanswered questions in their life that they believe the leader provides provides answers too. People want to have a sense of belonging and acceptance. The most vulnerable are those teens going through the stage of identity versus confusion. That explains why many of the older children in upper primary to high school were attracted to this sect. 

 Characteristics of a Cultist leader include 

 They are dominant. They make their followers feel inferior. The reason why most of the leaders are men and many followers are women

 They are very good at expressing their feeling in a way that appeals to the followers to follow them. The followers largely have low esteem, they have a yearning for acceptance and belonging. 

They are obsessed with admiration and being given attention. They, therefore, require absolute obedience and harm those who go against them. 

They claim to have supper powers, are very boastful, arrogant, have no empathy, and have psychopathological tendencies. 

These are important signs to look for when someone claims they are religious leader. Mothers left with their children to Shakahola, and only those who were keen enough to see the danger managed to escape to tell the story. The rest died willing or forcefully, probably regretting as they lay on their death bed. Let's share information to educate the society to be on the lookout for this dangerous type of leadership.