8 EVALUATION WINDOWS- THE CHILDHOOD SHADOW

 

         DOES YOUR CHILDHOOD CAST A SHADOW ON YOUR ADULTHOOD?

Hello!!  Welcome to my blog where childhood matters, matter.

Many of us have probably heard the statement that our childhood experiences influence our adulthood.  Am just wondering for you how true this statement is.  Is there anything in your childhood that reflects something in your adult life? Often we do not look at ourselves from this point and when we do talk about childhood experiences, it is on a negative view because someone has done what contradicted the expected societal norms.  In one way or another, our childhoods do influence our life either positively or negatively, it helps to understand ourselves from this point of view. 

Childhood experiences start from home-our parents, brothers and sisters, and other relatives.  It then goes outside the home to the neighborhood, school, or church.  What were our experiences in those areas and how have they influenced what or who you became? look at yourself through the following 8 windows

Learning Process:

Children learn through imitation and observation.  They imitate what they see around them, internalize it, and respond accordingly.  They respond to the environment from what they see and feel.  A small child when feeding from its mother’s breast will know when the mother is happy and sad thus expressing the same feelings by either smiling or crying.  When the atmosphere at home displays happiness children know and when there is tension they will know. The experience the children get from that early age forms a foundation on which future experiences will be added as they grow.  How was your home environment in those early years? Any memory that brings joy or sadness which may be affecting you today?

Bonding, Parent-Child relationship:

Strong bonds connecting children and their parents begin here.  Parents who are there for them, providing material needs, love, and attention are likely to create a strong bond that expresses itself in the relationship in the adulthood of the children and the old age of their parents. Neglecting parents, who have very little time with their children, limited resources and support, without letting the children understand the reasons for their behavior may lead to children reacting the same way, neglecting their parents in their old age. How would you describe your parent-child relationship? 

Effects of Trauma and Abuse

Trauma and abuse of any kind perforate the already fluid foundation in childhood.  Parents who separate could adversely affect the childhood of the children if there is no proper plan for co-parenting.  The children will display negative behavior especially at teenage trying to pass a message that they want to be heard or they are hurting.  Failure to attend to their need may affect other areas of their development like academics, emotions, and relationships. A child may be inclined towards one parent but they are forced to live with the other, this will affect their growth. A child could be going through abuse within the home or outside but no one notices, that effect will manifest itself later. Does this speak to you?

Parental Role- Love and Discipline

Parents have to play a double role of loving ad disciplining at the same time.  Balancing the two is more likely to produce a healthy childhood that will result in a healthy adult. Extremes however may cause adverse effects.  A parent who overindulges the child may lead to them becoming reckless, not able to follow rules, have egocentric tendencies, poor academic performance, and lack emotional control among other problems. A parent who loves and discipline fairly and have rules that are marched with punishment if broken, are there for their children even when they lack, are likely to build a foundation of trust, emotional and behavioral regulation, and quality academic performance and their children will find it easy to build a positive relationship.  How was your experience?

More Knowledgeable Other

Children look up to someone.  Ley Vygosky a Russian theorist advocated for the fact that a child needs a “more knowledgeable other”.  This is someone who the child looks up to.  If the relationship between a child and parent is good they might want to become like their parent.  They may also choose to be like another person they admire.  In such a case a parent needs to provide support to the child.  However, there are instances where a parent dictates what they want their child to be and they faithfully follow.  Others end up being happy with the career while others abandon the career chosen by the parent and pursue what they initially intended to be.

 Parenting Styles:

There are four major types of parenting divided into two main extremes, demanding and undemanding.  Demanding parenting can be divided into two, Authoritative and Authoritarian.  Parents who set rules and standards for their children but, are willing to listen and understand are authoritative.  Mistakes are punished with explanation and understanding.  Children participate in discussing matters that involve them, this is an authoritative parent.  In their authoritativeness, they are warm and kind.

The other demanding parent is a dictator or authoritarian very cold and extremely demanding, they command and expect nothing but total obedience because what they do according to them is in the best interest of their children.

Most parents apply the same parenting skills they inherited from their own parents while others do the opposite.  Parenting in childhood in one way or another becomes a point of reference.

Strict parenting and high levels of discipline which were often acquired unwillingly for fear of corporal punishment is probably what has made us what we are.  We were either influenced positively or negatively and we are likely to do the same to our children or do the opposite.

If you lived a life lacking, most likely you will work hard to ensure your children don’t lack. If you had everything, you may also not know what it feels like to lack.  You are more likely to be an authoritative parent than an authoritarian.  Or you could say that strictness is what made you who you are and so your children should go through the same.

Undemanding parents are either permissive or neglectful.  Permissive parents give their children whatever they want, no rules, and if there are they are not followed. They indulge their children and one would ask is that wrong? The neglectful parent is one who does not care. They have no idea what is happening to their children, they expect nature to take care of everything. They probably went through the same and that is all they know.

Environment:

Children don’t choose to be born where they are born.  They have nothing to do with wherever they will live or what they will eat.  They are under the care of their caregivers.  Children live in places of war, they go through periods of drought, their families break up, and in all this, they have no one else other than the parents they know.  They could face abuse of any form, and they could also be happy.  Whatever environment they find themselves in they are likely to pick a piece that they would carry with them for the rest of their lives.

Our personality:

Have you noticed that there are people who went through difficulties in life but they are doing well in all aspects of their life?  At the same time, there are those whose difficult background has negatively affected them, and the effects push them to do unthinkable things? What differentiates the two?

Resilience is what makes them different. Being resilient. This means that when an adversary strikes you don’t fall hard. You have a web around you that helps you bounce back. That ability to bounce back makes you a resilient person.  This web means you have developed skills that will enable you to maneuver any negative challenges.  For children, this is made possible by their natural instincts as well as acquiring skills along their development journey

Regardless of what we went through, we owe it to ourselves to be what we envision to be.  Our past should not dictate our present. Ones we evaluate ourselves and understand what we are likely to become if we hold to our past, we should make a drastic decision to live for the best. Parenting is a full-time career that needs total commitment.  There is no blueprint for parenting but the happiness of the children we parent depends wholesomely on us.